I had a chat the other day about boundaries, especially with regards to feminine sexuality.
The conversation kept spiralling back to a common theme: We must become OF the body (aka embodied) in order to uphold better boundaries. Which sounds silly, aren't we all already of the body?
Yes, in a sense. But few actually truly deeply connect to their bodies. They stay trapped up in the heads where all the programming runs, the Imposter Syndromes come out to play, the Saboteurs have their say...
So unless we are embodied, we probably will suffer from leaky, weakened, or even non-existent boundaries. Affirmations & mantras will only take us so far.
Let's talk about what might inform our boundaries - or lack of.
Everything around us informs our boundaries and how able we feel to make them & this world favours The Good Girl, a shadowy version of the light feminine which sadly is all too common; the doormat woman, the one who is told her voice doesn’t matter, that she must do as she’s told….
So if we grow up in a world like this no wonder its hard for us to create and uphold boundaries. This is why working with the wild feminine is so helpful when it comes to boundaries because she guides you back to your body, she gives you strength, she lends you her power, she fuels the fire within.
It takes a lot of courage to stand up against a system set against you, a family or religion that doesn’t make you feel welcome, I hear you - but know that boundaries are always possible!
And let me just say, too, that boundaries are an issue to those in male bodies, too, however, I do believe that womxn have to exert them in situations where men don’t because of the world we live in. We have to play by different “rules” so to speak and we have a lot pitted against us and sadly a lot of wounded energies projected onto us which we must protect ourselves from (ahem, toxic masculinity).
This, too, affects our own wounding that we have around not believing in ourselves. We have been "less than" for so many millennia, so is it any wonder it's harder for us to form boundaries because our bodies, in some cases, have never known a time we have been worthy of them. It may be, in our lineage, that the feminine has never felt strong, or empowered.
But regardless of what body you're in, what culture you're from, I believe boundaries always come down to embodiment – and for the feminine to feel safe in this world she has to feel safe in & connected to her body. So if there’s a missing piece of that puzzle then any boundary is going to be harder to fortify.
Boundaries comes from a feeling of inner strength, of knowing what you want and don’t want, from knowing what you are worth and what you won’t stand for. Boundaries, too, are so personal, so what might work for me might be different to you. What might feel safe to me might feel unsafe to you. There is no "12 step plan" so to speak, no one-size-fits all, but an invitation to inquire within and get to the root of what YOU want.
Inquire into who would you be with this boundary and who are you without it.
So we must drop in, back & down (to the body) in order to fortify our boundaries.
The feminine is of the body. Of matter. Of the earth. Of the primal. And when we connect to our bodies – which is a radical thing to do in this Patriarchal world – we have access to so much body wisdom, so much intuition, and so much of our wild animal instincts.
We can ask our bodies questions, notice how it feels, inquire into areas of tension, truth, resistance, pleasure. And there, with our wild nature, we feel into our values which then inform our boundaries.
It's not surprising if this is news to you. The majority of us grow up divorced from these superpowers, because of the world we are living in. We are unable to hear the inner whispers because we’re moulded to a system set up for an energetic that isn't natural or aligned for our true essence. We are told to live a hyper-masculine, robotic, linear life, to do do do, more more more, rather that tune into the cyclicality of our bodies & of nature.
The true medicine is in the slowing down. The reconnecting to the body. The soothing of the nervous system.
This is also why consciously menstruating and building up the relationship between you and your womb and pussy is key. Menstrual cycle awareness is feminine empowerment, as it helps you to know yourself better & to create and fortify boundaries that will work for you.
When we have an understanding of our inner rhythms, cycles, emotions, energies, desires.... being able to speak up for ourselves becomes so much easier, being able to ask for what we want becomes so much easier, being able to say NO/YES becomes so much easier.
Why? Because we're embodied. We're making decisions from the womb, from the pussy, from the body's wisdom centres.
Whether or not you bleed you all have this power centre within you. We have an energetic womb space. We have an energetic pussy. Like we have an energetic cock. We have these power centres of both masculine & feminine energies so what we're being invited to do is use them for guidance. For assertiveness. For intuition. For knowing.
When we work with our rhythms we are able to know when, in the month, we'll be discerning AF. We'll know when to take that day off & rest. We'll know when to speak out in that meeting. We'll know when we'll want to fuck all night.
And from that knowing comes.... BOUNDARIES! We cannot form boundaries if we do not know what we want.
It's as simple as that. If our values are murky, we don't know what we want (outside of what we've been told we should want), then how the fuck are we going to feel empowered and design a life that turns us on?
Answer: we won't.
I share with my clients an embodied boundaries practice that is all about anchoring the boundary deep into the cells of your body, activating your solar plexus your power centre, and staying grounded as you speak your boundary out loud / or scream it! Get used to practicing it by yourself first a mirror and imagine you're facing someone you want to create the boundary with, or you can ask a friend or loved one to role play with you to support you.
But, simply, starting with a devotion to reconnecting to your body is everything. Because through the body lies access to your feminine power. And through the feminine you’ll embrace your sexuality from a grounded and sovereign place, not a performative place, not a place that is conditioned by the male gaze, but a place that is true to you and authentically expressed.
So, can you turn to your body to learn your desires & values better?
Can you trust in your body to uphold the boundaries you desire?
If you're interested in building up better boundaries, learning how to take up more space in this world, and stepping into your sexuality unapologetically - applications are opening soon for my three-month 1:1 Mentorship for a January start.