It’s early Monday morning. I’ve just got up and reached for the coffee. Sounds normal, right? But I’m lying on my side on the bathroom floor, naked from the waist down, on a the bath mat.
My coffee isn’t in a mug, and it’s not hot. It’s hanging in a plastic IV-drip- looking bag & I’m certainly not going to drink it.
I’m talking about enemas.
Yep, bum cleansing - with coffee.
I’m going to NB this now, if you feel uncomfortable talking or reading about poo then perhaps don’t read any further (although it’s a natural bodily function, so maybe you could step out of your comfort zone and see what ...) 💩
AND: I am not a physician – so please do not take this as gospel, this is simply my account of my experience with coffee enemas and my perceived and believed benefits.
Monday mornings are usually my ‘me’ time when I make a date with the bathroom floor and get cosy with the bath mat. It’s become a routine where I like to start my week right & quite literally get all the crap out to set me on my way for the next seven days. I see it as a ritual: purging myself of what I don’t need from the last week.
And, ooof, does it feel good!
I remember hearing people choosing to do coffee enemas to themselves about two years ago and my first reaction was one of shock and horror. ‘Ugh, why?!’ I couldn’t get my head around why anyone would knowingly do that to themselves. I also couldn’t quite work out how it was possible, logistically…
Fast forward to a workshop two years later, and for sale at the end were these little plastic bags with a long rubber tube attachment. Ahh, the infamous enema bag. I was intrigued.... I was also in a much more open mindset! I bought my bag for a mere $10 and I have to say it was the best ten bucks I ever spent. Ever since then I’ve been experimenting with my enema bag and we’ve developed a quite a strong bond.
To give this craziness some scientific clout, for those already scoffing at this nonsense, coffee enemas are actually hailed to be cancer-fighters and some of the strongest natural detoxifiers you can get. While more Western ‘Medical’ scientists tend to argue otherwise, those in the Complementary/Alternative Medicine camps can’t really say a bad word against it. Of course, like with anything, moderation is key.
To give you some background to the benefits of coffee enemas: we have so much stored up 'gunk' of not properly digested food that is stuck in the folds and rolls of our intestine and colon. This gunk ain’t going anywhere fast and the body actually begins to reabsorb the toxins (from the poo) that it tried to get rid of in the first place as it can’t shift it along and out. Gross, hey? Plus, it’s this stagnant gunk that is one of the reasons why we gain weight around our midriff. Coffee enemas aid in the detoxifying and metabolising process by taking away some of burden meaning your body can get to work more efficiently .
The reason why it is such a powerful detoxifier is that the coffee stimulates glutathione production in the liver by up to 600-700% above normal levels, which is the body’s “master antioxidant” and is a key player in detoxification.
Glutathione also helps to support energy, boost immune function, and enhance mental clarity, as well as neutralize free radicals. So it’s pretty good!
Once I read a bit more about it, and with my own history of societal poo shame, I knew I must have a lot of shit that’s stuck up in there that was desperate to come out - both emotionally and physically.
If you can get your head around the health benefits, it might help you get your head around the whole process.
So, I’ll tell you how it all works. I buy high quality coffee from a local roaster in the Highlands of Scotland, roasted in the purest of air & organically sourced, so it's good shit. Pardon the pun. Ratio wise, the stronger the better, so I usually make a cafetière (French Press) full of about three generous heaped spoonfuls and let it brew overnight. Then I plunge it and dilute the coffee with water to make two batches, or enema sack-fulls, of 500mls making a litre cleanse in total.
*Note: a coffee enema is not the same as drinking 500mls of coffee! I am sensitive to caffeine and when I drink even one Americano I feel jittery and my heart races. But I can easily go through a litre of coffee in my enema and not feel anything. If you’re worried, you can always make your blend weaker to test it out. You also don’t have to do it with coffee, you can do them with a range of herbs in the same way you would brew a tea.
And as always, please don’t take my word for anything - do your own research and speak to others if this doesn’t sound safe to you! Just because it’s in my practice and I haven’t had any problems - only benefits - doesn’t mean it’s advised for all. Especially pregnant people....
I’ve googled other kinds of DIY enema kits, but they are basically all the same. They contain a long rubber ‘hose’ for the flow of coffee and a container (bucket or plastic sack) to hold the coffee. There’s a little clasp to stem the flow of the hose, to control the flow to release when you’re ready and in position, and to close it again to remove it.
The first time I was nervous, I’m not going to lie. Inserting anything UP ‘that hole’ is the total opposite of what’s supposed to happen. But the hose is super tiny, narrower than your pinky, so it’s not too bad. Plus, once you’ve lubed it up with coconut oil it slides right in. Tip for you, right there.
I then fill the bag (or bucket) with the first batch of 500mls (making sure the clasp has pinched the hose shut to avoided leakage). Also, I usually mix the coffee with warm water so it doesn’t feel too shockingly cold going in. And AVOID doing it with freshly brewed boiling hot coffee A burnt bum is not good. I then hang my bag on a clothes hanger to hook over the towel rail or bathroom door knob so that I don’t have to hold it up (it has to be overhead so the coffee can flow with gravity).
Once that’s done, I lie on my left side; the coffee wants to go up your descending colon to work it’s magic. When I’m settled and comfortable on my bath mat (because the floor is too cold and hard) and the hose is inserted and in place, I release the clasp and the coffee will slowly flow through and in.... don’t worry it’s not a gush, but a gentle trickle and you can always control the flow.
When the first batch of 500mls of coffee is in, and I’ve removed the tube, the challenging part is holding it in! I was told 15 minutes max, but I usually last no more than 5! I don’t know how people hold it in and walk around the house.... they must have sphincters of steel. Also, I’m pretty sure that’s not advised. So even I'm still working on it.
If there is any feeling of it (the coffee/poo) bursting out, but I feel I can control it, I try rolling over briefly on my back and then over to the right, and then back over. Sometimes that helps the gurgle and lessen the sensation of impending explosion. But, sometimes it creeps up on you and there’s nothing you can do except leap into the loo and let it all out.
Now, my boyfriend knows exactly what I do on my Monday mornings, he even helps me brew the coffee when I forget. But at the start I felt so embarrassed and awkward. I also have my own weird poo shame, too, so I would be really cringe about it. We live in an extremely open plan house - in the sense that our bathroom doesn’t have a ceiling! - so I’ve got into the habit now of asking him to put earphones in and play his loudest rock music possible until I re-emerge. I think it’s best for both of us.
If you’re nervous someone will hear the explosiveness - I’m not going to sugar coat it - ask them to go for a walk or simply put on some music!
When I’ve done round one, so the first 500mls has gone in and then out, I start the process again, fill the bag/bucket up with the second half, lie back on the floor, slip the hose back in and go again! Sometimes I find I can hold the second round for longer because there is less to come out as quickly and so the coffee takes it’s time to explore and go for a walkabout and find more friends to clean out that are up there and further away (at least that’s how I think of it).
When round two is over, and all is done and cleared away - I re-emerge feeling smug, and about a stone lighter. Even my boyfriend comments how I seem different. Literally, as if I have a spring in my step. If I’ve had a heavy weekend indulging, it feels so good to get it all out and start again!
Housekeeping wise; I make sure to properly clean my kit. I use bio-detergent, the same as dish washing stuff, and I give it all a rinse through (don’t worry there is NEVER any poo on the hose and it’s impossible for anything to be sucked back up) but to make sure to clean the nozzle well - after all it’s going back inside you, not anyone else! I rinse the hose through a couple times and the bag to get any coffee residue out and then I leave the whole thing to soak for a few hours in a big bowl or sink with warm soapy water.
And that’s it! It’s so easy. I’ve perfected it now so I’m usually in and out in 10-15 minutes having flushed and cleansed with 1 litre of coffee. If I’m feeling super clogged up, sometimes I do a warm water flush before the coffee to make sure anything larger isn’t blocking the way of the coffee getting up through the colon and doing its thing.
So, to reiterate why I do this, why I stick a hose up my bum and cleanse myself with coffee?
The benefits of coffee enemas:
· healthier bowel movements
· supports liver and gallbladder function
· reduces inflammation of the intestines
· aids weight control
· promotes detoxification
· rebalances your digestive system and elimination system
· reduces risk of cancer & other diseases
· boosts immunity
· increase mental clarity
· general feeling of wellbeing
· guaranteed spring in your step
· helps make friends with your poo and natural bodily functions!
I’m really writing about this for two reasons, one to work on overcoming my own poo shame by exposing my own bathroom habits! And two, to try and banish some of the stigma and taboo around bums and poos and enemas and their ‘disgustingness’. Instead, I want to be a torch bearer to help people realise that no, they (bums, poos, enemas) aren’t disgusting, everyone shits (yep, especially that person you don’t want to imagine shitting shits).
By developing a loving relationship to these natural and very normal bodily functions, we can work towards a better connection to our bodies. To live more deeply and more fully in our bodies. And love them in all their quirks.
So, the next time you’re on Amazon, or at the enema market (?) just have a browse, keep an open mind, and see what you think. I dare you.
Plus, it's a good way to make your Monday mornings more interesting.
If you'd like to source your coffee from the same place as I do (highly recommended for quality) visit https://hinba.co.uk/ & they offer free UK delivery.
Image: Natahan Dumlao - Unsplash